Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month

“I’m sorry but we couldn’t find a heartbeat.” These words still hurt even now.

October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month and I hope my story will help other women who are also going through a loss. You are NOT alone in this and it is NOT your fault.

My husband and I were so excited to find out we were expecting in 2015. We went to our first OBGYN visit at 6 weeks and heard the baby’s heartbeat; it was the best sound we’d ever heard!

During that time, of course, as new parents, we thought about names, our dreams for our baby, and our plan to make the announcement to our family when we reached the 1st trimester.

​At 8 weeks, we went back for a second doctor visit. The nurse came in and started the routine checkup and she used the doppler to listen to the baby’s heartbeat. She was searching and searching and couldn’t hear anything. Then she brought in the sonogram machine and still nothing.

We were concerned but didn’t think much of it. The nurse said she’ll be right back and then left the room. When the doctor came in and he said “I’m sorry, but we couldn’t find a heartbeat.”

He explained to us that the sonogram machine confirmed that there is no heartbeat on the embryo. Unfortunately, miscarriages do happen a lot during the 1st trimester and it is nothing that I did to cause this.

I remembered the feeling of falling, my heart hurts, and I simply couldn’t think.

We went into his office and he told us there are a few options: wait it out until I have a miscarriage naturally, take a pill that would expedite the miscarriage, or have a D&C (Dilation & Curettage) surgery. We were just too sad to make a decision, so we went home to think about it.

As we walked to our car, the first words I spoke to my husband were “I’m so sorry.” This was the hardest moment of our lives.

After a few days, we decided to go for the D&C surgery. It was the worst day of my life. I couldn’t stop crying after I woke up from the surgery. There was a nurse there who was so sweet. She sat with me, shared her story, and gave me lots of encouragement. 

I’m so grateful that I had a group of supportive people around me, some who had gone through a miscarriage or baby loss too. They were there every step of the way to help my husband and I during this difficult time.

Then in 2016, we were blessed with a healthy baby girl. Even though I’m now a mom of two beautiful girls, I still remember the one that I had lost.

​Photo Credits: Jordan Jankun Photography & Jane DiMaggio Photography

If you or someone you know had a miscarriage or lost their baby, here are a few ways you can support them:

1. Send meals to them. They may be too upset to even think about cooking or eating.
2. Help them with chores – grocery shopping, laundry, etc.
3. Listen to their stories especially when they are ready to share.
4. Avoid saying “It’s not meant to be.” or “You have your other kids.” or “They are in a better place.” The best thing you can say to them is “I’m here for you.” or a simple hug.

To those moms who are going through a pregnancy loss:

1. Take your time to grieve.
2. You are not alone and it is not your fault.
3. Reach out to support groups or someone you know who had gone through a loss. Talk about it when you are ready.
4. Read books that will help you to grieve. The book that really helped me is “Growing Up in Heaven” by James Van Praagh.

October 15 is Pregnancy Remembrance Day. Join me to light a candle at 7 PM (all time zones) to create a wave of lights to remember all the babies who had gone too soon.

If you need someone to talk to, I’m here for you. Give me a call 201-663-8585 or email me at charissa@charissahyongphotography.